My Saving Grace

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.” -Erica Jong

It’s been 4 years as I sit down to write this article. 4 years since the best “April Fools’ Day ” of my life. 4 years since my metamorphosis. In retrospect, it seems a long time. However, it flew by so fast, it felt like sand slipping out of my hands – uncontrollable and inevitable.

If I had one superpower, it would definitely be the ability to turn back time and cherish those precious moments that made such beautiful memories. Memories so lucid and so detailed, it feels as if they have literally been etched on the back of my head. That first glance, when I instantly knew I would never be the same again. The first hug, when I could swear I heard a voice from within my soul, asking me to never let go. The first kiss, when I could feel my left cheek turning red. The first train journey from Goa to Mumbai, just to meet one particular person. And then the good-byes. The hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. The feeling that somehow I was leaving behind a part of myself. The feeling, like a monster rising from the depths of my soul and gnawing at my insides. And the desperate plea for time to stand still and for that moment to linger forever leaving me where I truly belong.

I may not be am not perfect. Honestly, I come packed with more nuances and idiosyncrasies than is the norm. No, I can’t sing you a romantic melody. No, I don’t play the guitar either. Neither can I write you poems, nor can I compose and record a song for you. I would have loved to do any of the above things, but I CAN’T. Also, I admit I have a weird timetable. Half the time we can’t talk because one of us is sleeping. Yes, I’m not much of a talker even though I know you love talking so much. But one reason for that is that I love hearing your voice, I love listening to you go about anything and everything under the sun and I love hearing you narrate a funny incident and then bursting out into one of your child-like chuckles even before you are finished.

And my biggest regret is that I haven’t yet taken you out on a real date – Me, a tux, you, a cute black dress, a Limo, one really long sunset drive, an ocean-view restaurant, a table for two, wine, champagne, violins, a bouquet of the reddest roses, a box of the darkest chocolates, a diamond ring, the perfect proposal, one smiling lady, one acceptance kiss and then the two of us, just the two of us and the whole night to look forward to. (YES, I do have it all planned in my head. But you will have to wait for it :-))

And I want to Thank You for all you’ve done and all you’ve been to me. So here it goes: “To my lady love, “Thank You”. Thank you for putting up with all my eccentricities and my mood swings and my temper. Thank you for always being there. Thank you for making me feel complete. Thank you for giving me a reason to smile everyday when I get up. Thank you for giving me a reason to smile every moment of the day. Thank you for making my life more meaningful. Thank you for giving me something to look forward to. Thank you for everything.”

This song is dedicated to you: (Slow Dancing in a Burning Room: John Mayer)

“It’s not a silly little moment,
It’s not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of,
This love that we’ve been working on.”

(P.S. You know I’m such a fool for you. You got me wrapped around your finger.)